Life Lessons - Life Questions

Remembering My Mother

2008-12-24T10:56:00.000-08:00

Mom would have been 93 today. She died last September 5, as a mocking bird sat outside her window singing its heart out. Today I want to pay tribute to her memory.

Thelma Irene McLaughlin was born December 24, in the front bedroom of a home in Evansville, Indiana - the third child of William Clay and Nila Jane Austin McLaughlin, from mostly Irish/English/Dutch stock. Her father was a carpenter, building and selling houses; he seemed to have more drive and ambition than the rest of his family.

With two older brothers, she was a bit of a tomboy growing up. Also a bit headstrong and interested in boys, as a teenager! At 19, toward the end of the Great Depression, she married Bert McBroom after graduating from high school. Soon she was pregnant with me. A little over 2 ½ years later my brother Ronnie joined the family.

She was always a good, conscientious and caring mother, raising us to be a credit to society, to the best of her ability! She made judicious use of the “Persuader,” a yardstick that hung conveniently on the wall, taught me to read at four, and to copy “thank you” notes for birthday and Christmas presents when I was five. As I grew older, she also taught me the housewifely arts – cleaning, cooking and sewing. And because she had not taken advantage of her opportunity to learn to play the piano as a girl, she saw to it that I had that opportunity.

Shortly before my first baby was born, she wrote a long letter telling me about her experience carrying me – a letter I greatly treasure. It was one of the few times she let her emotions show; I think she wished she could be with me, clear across the country from her, at that special time.

Mom had a rather intense, ambition-driven, introverted personality which made her prefer solitary pursuits, while Daddy was an easy-going extrovert who loved being around people – a recipe, as are most marriages, for difficulties and problems. Yet in spite of all, there was love and commitment and endurance. There are many warm, happy memories mixed with times of tension and stress.

Our relationship was often difficult; not because I wanted it to be, but I guess in some ways I was too much like her and in other ways too much like Daddy and she had a hard time getting along with me. I’m so thankful that for the last 14 years of her life we managed to stay in a good relationship! I think I was always trying to earn her approval, but she didn’t believe in giving praise.

When I was 12 Mom decided to pursue her dream of becoming a nurse. This was in the days when few married woman attempted anything like that, but her tenacity and drive got her through a year of pre-nursing classes and three years of training. In some ways, I think she also tried to live out a continuation of her dad’s lifestyle, buying, building or fixing up houses and selling them, hopefully for a profit.

Mom was a diligent student of the Bible. She enjoyed making up her own Bible studies and in her last years especially studied Daniel and Revelation. She often had discussions – or arguments – on religious topics with her brother Tom in their later years.

Mom was an organizer of things and needed order – her particular brand of order – in her surroundings. I remember, with a smile, her sorting of the rocks and pebbles she had sifted out of the ground as she prepared her garden, into small, large and medium sizes, and carefully “paving” a pathway at her house in Grizzly Flats, where she lived after Daddy died.

Mom attended the deaths of many of her relatives: Aunt AnnaVliet and Uncle Del, Uncle Tom and Aunt Rita, her own mother, and Daddy. I am so thankful that Ron and especially his wife Jo took such tender, loving care of her in her last illness. She outlived everyone in the family of her generation, except one much younger cousin. Her death was probably caused by rapidly progressing ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease), although she didn’t go to her doctor to be diagnosed. She had a distrust of doctors and argued with them about her treatment and diagnoses! I loved her dearly and I miss her sorely.

Wrapped in Bubble Paper

2008-12-21T15:43:00.000-08:00

Over the past few years Thanksgiving hasn’t been entirely associated with happy memories! In 2004, when we spent Thanksgiving with David (son) and Karla in Dallas, Oregon, I stepped down from the porch onto a stepping stone, somehow lost my balance and fell, breaking both legs near the ankle. Three bones were broken in my left leg, and since the surgeon in Salem had several surgeries scheduled, I was taken by ambulance to Portland Adventist Medical Center and had two metal plates and 12 screws inserted to hold my shattered left ankle together. A few days later we went home and I spent three weeks in a rehab center, and a year in physical therapy, and eventually could get around pretty well.

Two days before Thanksgiving this year, I stopped at the corner grocery on my way to pick up Carolyn and Brandon at school. Running back to my car because it was raining, I tripped and fell and sustained three fractures in my upper arm near the shoulder. The ER doc said it would probably heal okay without surgery and my arm was put in a sling. It was extremely painful for the first couple of weeks, I suppose because it was not completely immobilized. After four weeks, it seems to be healing and is less painful. The orthopedist said he would probably start me on physical therapy soon.

I guess I do have a number of things for which I can be thankful. I recovered fairly well from my broken legs. I can be thankful that it was my left arm (since I’m right-handed) and also that it wasn’t a broken hip. And maybe, just maybe, the Lord is trying to tell me to slow down a bit?

However, one of my friends suggested I need to be protected with bubble wrap on Thanksgiving from now on – might be a good idea!

Discrimination/Abuse Breed Discrimination/Abuse

2008-11-14T20:41:00.000-08:00

Even though I'm not a California resident, I was very interested in the outcome of Proposition 8, that restricted marriage to a man and a woman, thus denying marriage rights to gays and lesbians. It was passed by a rather narrow margin: 52 to 48. Passage of this discriminatory amendment to the state constitution was fueled by some unlikely proponents: those who have themselves been discriminated against.

First, the Mormon Church, which, in the past, was persecuted and discriminated against because of its own "deviant" polygamous marriages, spent millions of dollars in drumming up support for Prop 8.

Second, the Seventh-day Adventist Church, which has long promoted religious liberty and the separation of church and state, became involved through its own religious liberty department in urging church members to vote for the proposition. Adventists, who fear that someday their right to worship on Saturday may be denied them, have, in the past, supported the ban on prayer in public schools and even the right of Native Americans to smoke peyote as part of their religious ceremonies. To turn completely around and promote this invasion of the belief of other Christians that gays and lesbians should have the right to marry, seems incomprehensible to me. They try to argue that gay marriage would somehow threaten their religious liberty, though no minister would be required to perform gay marriages. And they suggest that this does not involve religious liberty because of their suggested differentiation between the first four of the Ten Commandments, which define our duty to God, and the last six which define our duty to each other.

Finally, the largest group voting for Prop 8 was African Americans, a group that has known terrible oppression and discrimination for most of their history in the United States. Of course, it is because of their unbending Christianity that they voted so. Still, one might think that their past experience would give them a greater sympathy for homosexuals who are so marginalized today.

Perhaps the strangest thing of all is that so many Christians, followers of the Jesus with whom the outcast and marginalized found acceptance, are those who have been the source of so much hatred and vindictiveness against gays and lesbians.

Do the abused and persecuted often become abusers and persecuters? Looking back in history, I think of the Puritans who came to America to escape persecution and became persecuters of those in their midst who disagreed with them. Does being a victim create a blind spot, so that one does not notice when one is making others victims? I am thankful for the example of Martin Luther King, and for his wife Coretta, who has forcefully stated her solidarity with gays and lesbians in their struggle for civil rights. I have noticed with gratitude the efforts of many gays and lesbians to respond with "soul force" love to those who discriminate and spread hatred about them. I just pray that when they do finally gain their rightful place in society, they will not become, like so many other abused peoples, abusers of others.

Parents - Again!

2008-11-04T15:14:00.000-08:00

At 72 and 75, Bob and I were happily settled into our relaxed, but active, retirement routine. Bob spent many hours working with SAGE, the seniors’ ministry he had started while trust director of the Washington Conference, and enjoyed taking care of our big yard.

I kept busy with writing projects and was very involved in my ministry for families of gays and lesbians. Realizing the years left might be limited, I had decided that cooking elaborate meals were less important than making quilts for our large brood of grandchildren. I had opted for the comfortable, lived-in style of housekeeping so I could find time to read at least some of the hundreds of books on my to-read list.

We weren’t rich, by any means, but we owned our home and Bob had managed our finances carefully so we could indulge in some traveling and occasional tickets to the symphony. We had accommodated changing sleep patterns with individual sleeping quarters. Though we both retired between 10:00 and 11:00 pm, I could read until I relaxed and finally fell asleep in spite of pesky aches and pains and then sleep late in the morning. Bob, who fell asleep when his head hit the pillow but sometimes woke up in the early morning hours, could turn on the light and read till he got sleepy again.

All in all, we were finding this phase of life quite pleasant and rewarding. And then . . .

On a late-August visit to California we stopped to see one of our sons, a landscape designer. We knew the economic downturn had impacted his business, but when we discovered the extent of his financial woes we offered to bring his two youngest children – 8-year-old Brandon and 10-year-old Carolyn – home with us for a few months until he could get back on his feet. He agreed.
And so, our life changed. Arriving back home just before Labor Day weekend, our first order of business was enrolling the children in our local church school. Tuition, we discovered, had gone up a bit since our three sons were that age! We were thankful for the trust fund Bob’s mother had left for Adventist education, which helped with school expenses. We also learned that the school, which enjoys an excellent reputation, has a dress code. Very little they brought with them qualified! Labor Day sales and Good Will netted a preppy new wardrobe of navy and khaki pants and skirts and prescribed matching shirts. We also found warm jackets for Washington’s colder winter.

I gave up my bedroom and moved back in with Bob; we don’t sleep as well, but we enjoy more pillow-talk! The “lived-in” look is even more evident now in our lovely home, which has acquired such new accessories as balls, bats, skates, bicycles, a basketball hoop, fishing pole and a trumpet case. Brandon and Carolyn have, however, developed the habit of making their beds each morning and keeping their rooms reasonably straight.

We weren’t sure what meal-time would be like, as the kids were used to eating pretty much whenever and whatever they liked, including lots of snack foods and sodas. Happily we found that when limited to three meals a day and a good variety of healthy foods, they ate well, with little protest. Our efforts to limit dessert to once a week are occasionally sabotaged by birthdays and Chocolate Night, the Pathfinder fund-raiser, but the sugar-fits have been dramatically reduced! Bob views this new arrangement as a real advantage, because I now fix him breakfast and supper along with the children; he used to be on his own for those meals.

The week-day hours of freedom seem to fly swiftly by. as Bob and I try to accomplish as much of our former pursuits as possible while Carolyn and BJ are in school. I carry a book with me everywhere I go, but still don’t seem to get much reading done. But we’re enjoying re-reading some of our sons’ favorite childhood books as bedtime stories. Quilting is pretty much a thing of the past, too, but it can wait.

Have there been some minor inconveniences and sacrifices? Yes, but they fade into insignificance when we gaze at their innocent sleeping faces; when they squeeze our hands at the end of prayer; when Brandon’s third and fourth grade class enthusiastically sings “Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God” for special music in church, even though he’s on the front row and his shirttail is hanging out; when Carolyn’s candle-lit face smiles at us during her Pathfinder Induction ceremony; when their nightly calls to their parents include repeating the memory verses they’ve learned and Carolyn playing her favorite hymn on the trumpet, which we hope touches the heart of their once-Adventist daddy.

Is it just coincidence that Pathfinder night coincides with prayer meeting, which I hadn’t attended for some time because I hate going out at night? Or that what I thought was my inexhaustible supply of patience has been stretched thin as I try to motivate our fifth-grader to take more interest in schoolwork? Maybe God is not only giving us a chance to make a difference in these precious young lives, but is using them to make some needed changes in ours.

Immigration

2007-10-05T17:18:00.000-07:00

I need to begin with a certain degree of humility. I am the descendant of immigrants. Most of my ancestors came to America in the 18th century. They were probably among those who came into this country and took it over from its original inhabitants, and I must admit that was wrong. Roger Williams was one of the very few who tried to do it the "right way."

I am not against immigrants. I believe our country’s diversity of races has helped make it the strong, robust nation that we have today. I’m not anti-Hispanic, either. One of my sons is married to a Guatemalan woman, and another son has step-daughters who are part Hispanic.

But I do believe that we are a country of law and order. In the current immigration debate, I take a somewhat nuanced stance. First, I believe we must begin enforcing our immigration laws. It isn’t right that people who live near our southern border should be able to enter the country freely, when there are many people around the world, just as needy, who must go through proper channels to emmigrate. In order to remain a strong, healthy “land of opportunity” we cannot allow unlimited immigration. Part of our goal must be to do what we can (in a peaceful way!) to help other countries overcome poverty and raise their living standards.

Second, I am convinced that the very first step we must take is to secure our borders. If we had spent on border security just a fraction of what we have on the Iraq war, we would be much better off. Once our borders are secure, we will be able to enforce our immigration laws properly.

Third, I don’t think the idea of deporting all illegals is practical, nor is it humane. Doing so would break up family groups. Their presence here is partly our fault for failing to enforce our laws. I am in favor of the proposed plan to fine those who want to stay here, make them learn English and “go to the end of the line” to get their citizenship. But illegal criminals, drug and human traffickers, and terrorists should be cleaned out of our country immediately, and the only way that can be done is by allowing our officials free rein to ask people for their citizen status. If that looks like racial profiling, so be it.

On the other hand, I oppose giving immigrants any special advantages that regular citizens do not have. And I have very mixed feelings about the kind of citizens some of these illegal Mexicans, who demand their supposed rights, who refuse to learn English or who fly the Mexican flag, would make.

We need to have a common-sense, middle of the road approach, showing neither softness nor harshness, but simply our traditional respect for law and our willingness to help the "huddled masses" who also respect our country's laws.

Unity is not Uniformity

2007-10-01T08:12:00.000-07:00

So many world religions are obsessed with the idea that only their concept of truth is correct, and that they must convert as many as possible to their way of thinking. In today's context, Islam comes to mind. But Christianity provides many examples, too.

I just finished reading a book about the French Catholic persecution of the Huguenots in the 17th century. Earlier this year I read Dogs of God where I learned that Spanish royals Isabel and Ferdinand sponsored Columbus' voyage, at least in part, that he might convert any natives he found. Of course there were the Crusades and the Inquisition. And the Puritans escaped persecution in England, only to impose it in their new colony on those who differed with them.

I've tried to understand the reason behind this attitude. In my own church, and many other churches that conduct missionary activities, the reason given is to save souls, as Jesus instructed before he returned to heaven - certainly an altruistic goal. But sometimes I wonder if it's completely selfless when I see the emphasis placed on the number of converts, and even competition between districts or pastors, as well as pride in attainment.

In my church, and perhaps in others, there is a strong belief that the gospel must go to all areas of the world before Jesus can return. Of course, that has been the great hope of the church since the days of the apostles, but the question might arise - are we trying to save souls for their own sakes, or is our goal more focused on Jesus' return and our heavenly reward?

When force has been applied to obtain converts, several possible reasons have occurred to me. Maybe the religion using force needs agreement to feel secure in its beliefs? Or perhaps the desire to feel comfortable with others who are "just like us" is the motivation? Or the human need to exercise power may be in back of religious groups that attempt to control the consciences of others.

When Jesus prayed for his disciples shortly before his death, "I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as we are one," I don't believe, as my church sometimes interprets this text, that he wanted the Adventist church to be unified! Rather, I think the text is quite clear that he was praying for all of his future followers to be one.

But I don't see the "oneness" he prayed for as complete uniformity in belief, whether in my own church or in the wider Christian world. After all, God created each of us as unique persons who have a uniqie relationship with him. We each have a unique perspective and understanding of God. It seems to me that we can enrich each other's understanding of God by sharing our insights and appreciating those of others, rather than insisting that we must all conform to one person's view. There are those who like to insist that there is only one way to read and understand the "plain sense" of Scripture, but they deny that they, too, interpret what they read.

I believe that the unity God desires for his followers is a unity of spirit, a close relationship such as God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit enjoy, where they are one in purpose and their love is completely other-centered.

Slugs - Ugh!

2007-09-27T19:03:00.000-07:00

Probably not too many people would name the slug as their favorite creature, particularly me. But since moving to western Washington 14 years ago, I have become better acquainted with the gooey gastropods. When I go for my morning walk, I have to spend more time looking down than I'd prefer, in order to avoid stepping on one of them. And I've noticed something interesting about them. When they cross the road, they frequently get run over by a car. However, if they're only partially smashed, the portion that remains intact seems to be able to grow a new end and survive. I frequently see an obviously truncated slug creeping slimily along.

I tried to find out more about this on the internet. Although there seem to be a lot of articles about this in professional journals, which I am not able to access, I did find a few sites which mention that several invertebrates, such as slugs, salamanders, and starfish are able to regenerate lost parts. Apparently researchers hope to someday utilize information gained from these creatures to help humans to regenerate lost parts.

If there's a lesson to be drawn from this, I guess it would be that when our lives seem to be smashed, we can learn to build a new life on the ruins of the old one.

What Woke Me Up

2007-09-24T17:12:00.000-07:00

Growing up in the safe, secure, enveloping womb of a loving, Seventh-day Adventist Church community, I was taught church beliefs and traditions from childhood. I attended Sabbath School each week and denominational elementary and secondary schools, and on into college. I married a minister. I was never challenged to question my beliefs, but was taught how to answer those who might do so.

It was some 19 years ago that I was suddenly forced to begin examining and evaluating everything I had been brought up to believe. The event that shocked me into doing so was the discovery that our youngest son is gay. This was particularly distressing and painful because, at the time, we were working at our church's world headquarters where my husband was the world Sabbath School director. The sense of shame, failure and fear was daunting.

The one thing I knew, which forced me to think outside the box I had not realized I inhabited, was that my gay son was a gentle, talented, loving and very spiritual person. All the previously unrecognized prejudices and misconceptions had to be confronted. Not only have I spent the last 19 years studying and searching for answers about homosexuality, but I have allowed myself to look at other questions and doubts stuffed into the recesses of my subconscious.

This has, at times, been a difficult and frightening process, but I can also say that my mind has awakened! It is so much better to know what I really believe and why, than to simply accept what others have told me. Ellen White, who helped found our church back in the mid-1800s, wrote that "we should be thinkers, not mere reflectors of other men's thoughts." (inclusive language was still in the future then!)

Most important to me, although I no longer uncritically agree with everything my church may stand for, I have learned that Christian fellowship need not depend on absolute uniformity of thought. In many ways, the church is like marriage - a place where we learn to get along with people who are different!

You Know You're From Western Washington If. . .

2007-09-20T18:23:00.000-07:00

Maybe someone else has written one of these, but here is my version:

You expect the TV meteorologist to know at least 25 different ways to predict rain.
You know what “sun-breaks” are.
You seldom use an umbrella when it’s raining.
You celebrate a festival called “Bumbershoot.”
You find blue skies a pleasant surprise.
You know what “Rainier is ‘out’ today” means.
You head for the mountains or the water on the weekend, whether it’s raining or not.
Your first outdoor chore in the spring is killing the moss in your lawn.
You know nice weather can’t be counted on until after the 4th of July.
You know local sweet corn is available by September.
You expect trees to be green in the winter.
You know where the “Eastside” is.
Your expectation of “the big one” is renewed every time California has a big quake.
You keep a supply of “books on tape” in your car for those lo-o-o-ng commutes.
You look at the ground when you're out for a walk so you won't step on a slug.
You keep a ferry schedule in your car pocket.
You either used to, currently do, or hope to someday own a boat.

Chronologically Gifted

2007-09-18T17:28:00.000-07:00

No one really wants to get old; but no one really wants to die, either, so growing old seems to be the preferred option. Having passed my 71st birthday a few months ago, I can no longer convince myself that I'm not old, so I'm looking for the bright side of maturity, or as one of our friends puts it, being chronologically gifted.

One big benefit is no longer feeling pressured by what other people think about me. I've accepted that I am who I am, and there's no point trying to be someone else. Feeling comfortable in my own skin is good. Honoring how God created me instead of wishing I were someone else is good.

Another reward of multiplied decades of life is the wisdom that comes from experience: being able to see the bigger picture, sorting out what's really important in the long run, learning to compromise and forgive, learning humility, learning to let go.

At least for me, retirement has been one of the great bonuses at the far side of life. It has given me more time for the things I really enjoy: reading and learning more about our world and about God, writing, quilting, researching my ancestors, getting to know my grandchildren, and renewing old friendships.

Oh yes, there are the wrinkles, the aches and pains, the time spent at medical and dental appointments, and the slowing of synapses, but if I focus on the blessings, I can almost forget those other problems. Getting old certainly beats the alternative!

Some Thoughts About Prayer

2007-09-02T19:00:00.001-07:00

Last week’s Sabbath School lesson was about Job. In our discussion group at church yesterday we talked about prayer and why God apparently answers some prayers and not others. That’s something I’ve wrestled with a lot. Here are some of my thoughts:

If God answered our every prayer for help, how would that affect our motives for serving him? Would it make us “rice Christians”? As in the story about Job, would Satan accuse us of serving God because of what he does for us? Would we be like the heathen who offer sacrifices to their gods in order to secure their favor and protection? There’s a fine line here. God does sustain our world and provide for our needs, and of course we ought to be thankful to him for his blessings. But does he intervene in the natural world of cause and effect?

When a person misses their flight and the plane crashes on take-off, killing everyone, did God save the life of that one person, while not protecting all those on the flight? How do we understand why some babies are born with terrible handicaps, while others are normal and healthy? Are these just the random consequences of living on a fallen, sin-damaged earth? Is it possible that God does occasionally intervene for some deeper reason that we may not understand?

Some requests certainly are much simpler for God to grant than others. “Lord, help me find my keys” can be answered as God impresses us to look in a certain place. But “Lord, please help my son find faith in you again” may take many years and interwoven circumstances to accomplish.

In my own life, God has answered prayers that I never prayed, while seemingly ignoring one that I’ve been praying for years. You see, for much of my life I’ve struggled with a food dependency problem, and I’ve pray with many tears for victory over this. I’m still struggling, but in the meantime, God has used certain life circumstances to help me learn how to forgive and to overcome my judgmentalism – two problems I wasn’t really aware I had! So why am I still struggling with the food addiction? Maybe because I’m focusing on it too much? Or maybe because God saw the other two areas were more important?

A lot of people wonder why God allows pain and sorrow, if he has the power to prevent it. This is the answer I have been taught: There is a real force of evil in our world. The Bible says that force is embodied in Satan. God created us with the power of choice – free will – because he wanted our love, and we could not choose to love him without freedom. The first humans chose to listen to Satan’s deception and our world came under his dominion. Satan is the author of pain and sorrow. God has let him try his way of governing our world, but when evil has fully shown its results God will destroy Satan and bring about his kingdom of love and peace. In the meantime, God is with us in our suffering and brings something good out of it, helping us learn important lessons.

For the most part, that answer satisfies me, but it does seem like the fruits of evil should be fully evident by now. Isn’t it time for God to bring an end to suffering?

photo

2007-08-28T20:23:00.001-07:00

Training Girls to be Good Wives?

2007-08-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

Listen to the rant of an old woman!

I heard a news story the other day about a denominational college (Southern Baptist, I think) that has started offering a degree in Home Making to train girls to become good wives. The reaction of most people, including the newscaster, was sarcasm, disgust, and dismay about this "step backwards."

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm happy about the progress women have made, happy that husbands of working wives are more willing to pitch in with home duties, happy to see women taking leadership roles - in short, I consider myself something of a feminist, though not a radical one. In recent years I've even become much less of an obsessive housekeeper myself. I can see more important things than keeping a spotless house in my remaining years, however many they be.

But I do believe that many young women today need to learn a few lessons, that their mothers should have taught them, about how to cook, clean and raise children. After watching a few TV programs like Dr. Phil, and Super Nanny and seeing children totally out of control, after seeing the messy, dirty homes of quite a few younger couples, and after discovering the inability to follow a recipe or make anything "from scratch" of too many younger women these days, I must admit, I am appalled!

No wonder wives have to work if they must "eat out" all the time because they can't cook. I firmly believe that all women - and men, too - ought to know at least the rudiments of running a home. Perhaps if they did that would make a slight dent in the dreadful divorce rate, anyway.

My, I feel much better having gotten that off my chest!

Marriage: Looking Back

2007-08-26T18:21:00.000-07:00

It was 51 years ago today that Bob and I embarked on this journey called marriage, so this seems like as good a good time as any to look back and reflect on what I've learned.

So much has changed since then. For one thing, when we were married I didn't know anyone who was divorced. Of course, divorce wasn't unheard of, but at least it was rare among Christians. Did we take our commitments and vows more seriously? Perhaps, but it's also true that women then were generally much more dependent on men.

But it was in our generation that things began to change. More women graduated from college and could support themselves if they decided to end their marriages. And it was in our generation that divorce began to occur with increasing frequency in the church. I'll never forget the year we heard about two couples among our close friends getting divorces. The ground shook under our feet and life never again seemed quite so secure.

I don't think there are very many married couples who haven't, at least occasionally, felt so frustrated they wished they could leave the marriage. The trouble is that today they quite easily can. And while I believe there are situations where divorce may the best option - when there is emotional, physical or sexual abuse going on, or mental illness to deal with, or when there are serious problems and one partner refuses to seek help - I also believe that if divorce weren't so readily available, people would try harder to work out their problems

I realize that before divorce was an easy option, marriages weren't always happy. Even though partners stayed together, sometimes resentment and anger smoldered under the surface and they did not enjoy a true partnership. That wasn't good, either. But when partners keep trying to make their marriage work it usually does, in spite of rough, bumpy times along the way.

I won't deny that Bob and I, two eldest children with Irish tempers and leader-type personalities, had our share of clashes. Since a lot of them were over how to raise our children, I know they left scars not just on us (figuratively speaking), but also on the kids. Still, having seen the trauma and insecurity of children of divorce, who divide their time between two sets of parents, I think staying together was the safer course, giving our kids an example of how, eventually, to learn to get along with someone in an intimate situation, and finally to see us reap the rewards of a lifetime marriage.

For rewards there certainly have been! The rough edges have been smoothed off, we share a lifetime of memories, and it's the good memories that last! At our big celebration last year, we shared those good memories not only with our children and grandchildren, but with extended family, too, in a family reunion celebration at the beach in Oregon.

Out of My Cocoon

2007-08-26T09:53:00.000-07:00

Seventy-one isn't really old today, not when more and more people are living to be 100 or older. But it's old enough to know that I'm nearer the end of my life than its beginning, that the sand is running through the hourglass of time faster than ever. I've lived long enough to learn a few lessons and realize how much more there is to learn, long enough to ponder many questions and arrive at a few humble conclusions.

I grew up in the warm, safe, insulated cocoon of the Seventh-day Adventist Church. I attended only Adventist schools. My parents, a lab tech and a nurse, worked in Adventist hospitals. I was provided with all the answers to life's questions. Our church had "the truth." I married an Adventist minister. After ten years of pastoring, he entered administrative work and served on every level of church organization. We spent 15 years as missionaries in the Far East. I have seen my share of church politics and clay feet, but I have also known many godly, dedicated people

Today I still love my church and deeply appreciate the truth it does have, but I have humbly realized that no one has all the truth except God. In many ways I received an excellent education in church schools, but I was not taught to think for myself. I was over 50 before events conspired to open my mind to new ideas. On this blog I plan to share my musings about how this change took place.